Intervention
by Daria234
Summary: crack!fic where everyone gets together to criticize Peter and his mistakes. VERY CRACKY with much verbal Peter-whumping. Don't read if you don't like!


Peter came home to see his tiny apartment packed with family, friends, and acquantainces. And even an enemy or two. He was confused and worried at who was there.

"Peter," Bennet explained, "This is an intervention."

"What? Why?" Peter said.

"Listen Peter, we all love you," Angela said.

"I don't!" Sylar complained, "Don't listen to her Peter, I don't love you at all. Can we start over, without the love crap?"

"We're not starting the intervention over because you don't like something Angela said!" Bennet snapped.

Claire said then, sounding apologetic, "Okay, look, Peter. You're great. We all agree you're great."

"I don't," Sylar interrupted again.

"Shush, Sylar!" Mohinder said. "The thing is, Peter, we've been talking about it, and we just wanted you to know that there has to be ... a change."

Peter ran through his memories trying to think what this could be about. He wasn't really a sex addict technically, and it's not like the people here would know that much about his personal life anyway. So what on earth were they talking about?

"You need to stop saving the world, Peter," Nathan said, biting the bullet that no one else wanted to.

"Sorry, man," Matt said, "But we all agree. It has to stop."

"Saving the world?"

"Yeah," Micah said, "Or just saving people in general."

"But- "

"No buts, Peter," Mohinder said. "No more saving. We care about you but you can't ask us to do this any more." Claire patted Mohinder on the shoulder, knowing how hard it was for him to say that out loud.

"But why?" Peter asked, incredulously.

The entire room stared at the floor. "Mom? Nathan?" Peter asked,hoping for an answer.

"Look, Pete, it's just... not working out," Nathan said.

"What are you talking about?" Peter said.

Sylar threw up his hands. "Enough dancing around! Peter - you are an **idiot**. The only reason I haven't looked in your brain is because I'm afraid that it might turn _me_ into an idiot!"

"That's very harsh, Sylar," Mohinder said, but he shut up when Sylar TKed him face down onto the couch.

"Look, Peter," Sylar continued, "Every time you try to save the world, you almost destroy it. Every time you mess with the timeline, things get worse. If you had LEFT New York instead of going to Kirby Plaza, things would have been fine. But -- *KNOWING that there was a danger of a radioactive man exploding in Manhattan*, you took your sorry-ass, _not-under-control_ _radioactive power_ right into Manhattan. You MORON! I wasn't going to destroy the city. I was just going to slice a few heads, whoopdie doo, who cares. I mean, really, what were you thinking? Did you think that in your battle with your mortal enemy you would avoid getting overly emotional!?"

"Shut up Sylar!" Peter said and waited for his friends to defend him against Sylar. They didn't.

"And then you almost give the world a virus because some piece of ass you met in jail tells you to? And didn't you tell me you left some girl in the future or something?"

"Shut up! That's not how it happened!"

"And didn't you get pwned by your dad because you gave him a hug?"

"So?"

"Nathan didn't give his creepy back-from-the-dead obviously-planning-something dad a hug before asking him a single question, did you Nathan?" Sylar said.

"Nope."

Sylar continued, "And didn't you let a bunch of people you KNEW were sociopathic killers go free?"

"Ummm..."

"And weren't you responsible for my meeting Claire that day and getting her power? Thanks for that, by the way."

"Shut up, Sylar!" Claire interrupted.

"Thank you, Claire," Peter said with a little crooked smile.

Claire said, "No, I meant 'Sylar shut up, don't brag about how you got my power you brain-fetish freak!' But please do continue about Peter."

He did. "And didn't you also take my power in the future even though I warned you not to? And didn't you almost kill Nathan - how many times is it? And didn't you almost get your friends killed by going into Danko's HQ with the worst plan ever? No one has ever failed at being a hero like you have. Seriously, you're like a heavyhanded satire of the postmodern obliteration of the heroic imagination.

"And Peter - didn't you go up against me with a terrible, terrible plan? Repeatedly? And didn't you get your girlfriend killed a long time ago because that artist dude you were having a threesome with wanted to shoot you? And didn't you sleep with Elle? Trust me, dude, dumb move. Understandable but dumb. And what's with your hair? Seriously, could anyone be more stupid that you?

"And you know, I'm self-loathing and easily manipulated and emotionally unstable, and I love situations where I get to feel superior, and I can't help gloating when I should be finishing the job, and I have all these personal flaws and you have NEVER been able to manipulate that to your advantage. You have NEVER been able to kill me Peter, and I can't even say how stupid that makes you!"

At that moment, Bennet shot Sylar with a tranquilizer dart. Everyone gathered around to ensure that Sylar was indeed unconscious and vulnerable.

"So that was the plan!" Peter said, relieved, "You weren't telling me to stop saving people, you were just trapping Sylar!"

"Um," Bennet said, "It was more of a two-birds, one stone thing."

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Written for comment_fic on Livejournal, a multi-fandom prompt community called "Comment_fic: Bite Sized bits of Fic," where you can request or write fic from any fandom.

Prompt was someone tells Peter everything stupid he has done since the series started


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